Each month Dr. Neff writes a blog on essential aspects of self-compassion practice – typically including a video and an exercise. We have put together a library of these blog posts here so you can further develop the habit of self-compassion in all areas of your life.
Every day we are bombarded with upsetting and frightening news – whether it’s devastating wildfires, plane crashes, wars, mass shootings, acts of cruelty or seeming madness. Self-compassion provides a refuge from the storm as we try to navigate stressful and uncertain times.
Perhaps one of the most important commitments we can make is to show up for ourselves in a supportive way. But how many of us make an intentional, conscious commitment to ourselves?
To meditate or not to meditate, that is the question. The empirical answer may surprise some of you: It’s not necessary to meditate to learn self-compassion.
To meditate or not to meditate, that is the question. The empirical answer may surprise some of you: It’s not necessary to meditate to learn self-compassion.
Self-compassion can help you both prevent and recover from burnout. For this reason I recently teamed up with my dear colleague Chris Germer to write a book about it and the book launches September 9th!
One of the quickest, most effective, and powerful ways to give ourselves compassion when we’re struggling is through physical touch. Just as we might instinctually reach out to a friend and give them a hug or hold their hand when they’re upset, we can comfort ourselves in a similar way.
Some people feel they can’t give themselves compassion, that they’re too hurt, or they’re unworthy. But if we reframe self-compassion as tapping into something that’s much greater than our small self, allowing our inner thoughts, feelings and perceptions to be held by the loving awareness of Self, then who is it that “can’t” do it?
The term “self-compassion” suggests that we give compassion to a “self” that is a single entity. In fact, the term should probably be “selves-compassion” (if Webster’s dictionary would allow it), because we have different parts of ourselves that suffer in unique ways.
The research overwhelmingly supports the fact that self-compassion enhances mental and physical health, improves relationships, provides strength and resilience, and increases motivation and performance. But in order to reap the benefits of self-compassion, we need to actually practice it in daily life.
Much of our suffering comes from our sense of self becoming entangled in the thoughts, emotions, and sensations that arise in our awareness. We often believe our thoughts and feelings as true without question, and get lost in a negative storyline about ourselves or our lives.
When we experience difficult emotions like sadness, fear, shame, confusion, or disappointment, we often become overwhelmed. We can spiral into reactivity or shut down as we try to cope. One of the most powerful aspects of tender self-compassion is the ability to hold our difficult emotions with spaciousness and warmth, so we aren’t so overwhelmed.
When we give ourselves love, sometimes we remember all the conditions under which we were unloved. When we open to our pain, feelings we’ve repressed for a lifetime may rise up and overwhelm us.
One of the most powerful aspects of self-compassion is the strength it provides to experience emotional pain without being overwhelmed. Difficult feelings like shame, anger, fear, sadness, or confusion can spiral into debilitating mind states like depression or anxiety if we aren’t able to hold them with compassion.
Let’s face it. Life can be hard. Not only are we imperfect and continually making mistakes or falling short of our own standards, the world around us is also challenging. Other people sometimes don’t act as we would like them too. Our jobs can be stressful and demanding. We might be struggling to make ends meet. Society may seem dysfunctional and broken.
Some of us are fortunate enough to have had caring parents who met our needs consistently while growing up (I count myself as one of the lucky ones.)
Many of us, however, had parents who struggled with their own daemons and may not have been able to be there for us in consistent manner.
What a year 2021 was. If your experience was anything like mine, the year was a total mess – Covid, toxic politics, global warming, inflation. Maybe you’re feeling like a mess yourself – exhausted, hopeless, unproductive, confused, depressed.
There’s a paradox that lies at the heart of self-compassion practice:
We give ourselves compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad.
While fierce self-compassion takes action to alleviate suffering, tender self-compassion taps into the power of acceptance to heal distress. When we can simply “be with” ourselves as we are, soothing and validating our pain, we handle difficult moments with greater ease. By radically accepting ourselves and opening to the pain of life with tenderness, it doesn’t hurt so badly.
Every day we are bombarded with upsetting and frightening news – whether it’s devastating wildfires, plane crashes, wars, mass shootings, acts of cruelty or seeming madness. Self-compassion provides a refuge from the storm as we try to navigate stressful and uncertain times.
Some people think that self-compassion means just accepting the pain of our situation without trying to change things. When we care about ourselves, we will advocate for change, and our voice becomes more powerful and authentic.
Most of us work hard at home or at our profession, but how many of us stop to ask ourselves what makes us truly happy? One of the most consistent findings of the research literature is that self-compassion leads to greater life satisfaction and contentment. It does so in part by encouraging us to ask ourselves what brings us joy in life.
One of the biggest blocks to practicing self-compassion is the belief that it will undermine our motivation. People think that if they’re kind to themselves, they’ll become lazy, irresponsible, and complacent. The opposite is true.Tender self-compassion allows us to accept ourselves unconditionally, while fierce self-compassion spurs us to take action to change behaviors or situations that cause suffering. This means that instead of taking it personally when we fail, we remember that failure is human, and we try to learn from our mistakes.
The current news portrays a world that is out-of-balance, verging on out-of-control. How can we maintain equilibrium when faced with such disarray? By tapping into “caring force” – a healthy balance between fierce and tender self-compassion – we can find more stable footing as we meet the challenges in our world.
A huge part of caring for ourselves means guarding ourselves from harm. This doesn’t mean we shut down our hearts, quite the opposite. It means that we open our hearts. But we also open our eyes to the potential of being drained of our time or energy in a way that depletes us.
Do you find yourself saying yes to requests automatically, even when you don’t want to? Do you worry excessively about hurting others feelings or being disliked if you say no? Many of us have trouble drawing clear boundaries, especially if we assume that being “nice” means being accommodating.
Tender self-compassion is the gentle, nurturing side of caring that provides comfort and self-acceptance when we struggle. Fierce self-compassion is the powerful, action-oriented side of caring that provides strength, motivation and self-protection. Problems emerge when they get out of balance: Tenderness without fierceness can lead to complacency, and fierceness without tenderness can become hostile or aggressive.
Fierce self-compassion can propel us to stand up for and protect ourselves, meet our own needs without continually subordinating them, and motivate change both in ourselves and the world around us. Like yin and yang, tender and fierce self-compassion must be balanced and integrated for wholeness and wellbeing.
The 2024 US election exposed a divided nation and alienation on each side. The common humanity of suffering helps us recognize that we all belong.
Our ability to use self-compassion to be with pain is one key to working with our feelings of intense grief and shock. Another helpful aspect of self-compassion is equanimity. Equanimity refers to the balance and calm that arises when we acknowledge human imperfection with an open heart.
Self-compassion involves being caring and supportive toward ourselves, so that we give ourselves what we truly need to be happy. But that leaves the question – what about our relationship partners? Don’t we also want them to be caring, supportive, and meet our needs?
Self-compassion plays a crucial role for caregivers. Whether you’re a parent, caring for your elderly parents, or are a professional like a nurse, doctor, social worker, or therapist, you need to turn compassion inward in order to sustain turning it outward.
As we immerse ourselves in this ocean of giving, it’s important that we allow the waves of generosity to flow inward as well as outward. When we express gratitude to those we love, we can also appreciate ourselves. When we show compassion toward the suffering of others, our hearts can also soften in response to our own pain.
Recognition of our shared humanity is central to self-compassion. As opposed to self-pity, which is a self-focused “poor me” mindset, compassion honors the fact that all people are imperfect, and all people lead imperfect lives.
Some people are in fulfilling romantic relationships and Valentine’s Day is a wonderful opportunity to express appreciation for one’s partner. The problem, however, is the not-so-subtle message that romance is necessary for our happiness – that we need someone else to complete us.
One of the most important strengths that self-compassion provides is the ability to care for others without losing ourself. Whether we’re professional caregivers or caring for loved ones, stress and burnout often accompany our good work.
Self-compassion can help you both prevent and recover from burnout. For this reason I recently teamed up with my dear colleague Chris Germer to write a book about it and the book launches September 9th!
When Rowan was first diagnosed, I didn’t recognize the hidden gifts of his autism. I was scared and worried and often felt overwhelmed by the challenges – language delay, intense tantrums, and learning difficulties. My ability to allow compassion to flow inward to myself as a parent as well as to Rowan meant that I had more strength to handle the tough stuff and to love and accept Rowan exactly as he was.
Given that our internal emotional landscape colors our experience 24/7, one could argue that it’s most important to direct goodwill inward. When we are kind and supportive with ourselves, we create a benevolent mindset that provides the resources to give to others.
Think about what happens when you get some sort of written evaluation and there are nine positive comments and one negative one. Which do you focus on? As Rick Hanson likes to say, the mind is like Teflon for positive information and Velcro for negative information.
Generational pain is everywhere, and when we start to open our hearts through self-compassion practice we will likely run into it. Pain stemming not only from our connections to those who were hurt and oppressed in the past but also to those who hurt and oppressed others.
During the holiday season, a lot of different thoughts and emotions are sure to arise. There may be happiness and satisfaction from connecting with our loved ones and the spirit of giving. There may also be a sense of dissatisfaction or lack, especially if our relationships aren’t what we would like them to be.
Fall is upon us. Some of us are sad to see the hot summer days go, others can’t wait for the leaves to turn and temperatures to cool. Most of us can agree that a world with only one season would be much less interesting than our continually changing weather patterns.
As part of understanding our history, it’s important to see clearly how gender bias colors our perceptions of others and ourselves. Although the last 30 years have seen significant gains for women in terms of education and access to leadership positions, stereotypes have barely budged.
It’s common for us to feel uncomfortable about our bodies. We may judge them as not thin enough or attractive enough or strong enough or young enough or healthy enough.
An important part of self-compassion is extending kindness and care to the physical form we inhabit, appreciating its gifts rather than simply criticizing its shortcomings.
When we can remain caring even in instances of distress, failure or sorrow, our loving-kindness manifests as compassion. It’s therefore important that we strengthen our ability to feel loving-kindness toward ourselves in order to become more self-compassionate.
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