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There’s a paradox at the heart of self-compassion. Although the word “self” is right there in the name, self-compassion actually represents a movement away from the perspective of self. In fact, it should probably be spelled “self→compassion.”
This movement is reflected in the way I define and measure self-compassion. The Self-Compassion Scale has six subscales, which measure how we respond when we’re struggling: lower levels of self-judgment, isolation, and over-identification, and higher levels of self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. This captures the lessening of a contracted, separate self and the strengthening of compassionate presence.
Contemplative traditions such as Buddhism teach that much of our suffering comes from believing we are a separate self. We resist what threatens this self and grasp at what we think will protect or satisfy it. Through meditation and other contemplative practices, it’s possible to soften the sense of self and open to a much greater sense of connection.
At first glance, self-compassion might seem to work against this process. In fact, when I first came on the scene more than twenty years ago, I got more than a few skeptical reactions from Buddhist colleagues at conferences devoted to bridging contemplative practice and science. The scientific study of mindfulness was taking off at the time, but SELF-compassion? Isn’t self the problem? For those who were really allergic to the term, I sometimes offered an alternative: “inner compassion.”
But the fact that we experience ourselves as separate selves—and that we suffer—is precisely why we need compassion. Mindfulness helps us become aware of painful thoughts and feelings without being so identified with them. Common humanity reminds us that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, helping us to feel less isolated and alone. And kindness means that instead of blaming and shaming ourselves for our pain, we respond with understanding, warmth and support.
Notice the movement here. Over-identification gives way to mindfulness. Isolation gives way to common humanity. Judgment gives way to kindness. We are less contracted around “me and my problems” and experience being more spacious, connected, and loving.
This is one reason why self-compassion is such a powerful agent of emotional resilience. It changes where we’re coming from. We move from the perspective of the suffering self to the perspective of compassionate presence. We still validate our individual experience—our pain needs to be acknowledged and cared for—but we aren’t so trapped by it.
This month, I invite you to take the Self-Compassion Scale and look not only at your overall score, but at the individual components. Where do you tend to get caught or stuck? In over-identification with the storyline of what’s happening? In feeling isolated and all alone? Or in self-judgment and the belief that you should have controlled things and gotten them right? And where might mindfulness, common humanity, or kindness help you loosen that grip?
The point isn’t to get a “good” score, and please, try not to take your score too personally. The point is to become more aware of what happens when you suffer and perhaps discover where a little more compassion might help you move from contraction to connection. That’s what self→compassion is all about.
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