Who is the Self in Self-Compassion?

Sometimes when we practice self-compassion, the question comes up, who is giving compassion to whom? Is the self that’s giving compassion the same self as the one that’s receiving compassion? Or is one part of me that’s not suffering giving compassion to another part of me that is suffering? And when we practice self-compassion, are we reifying a sense of separate self in a way that actually causes more suffering, as some from a Buddhist perspective would argue? Are we reinforcing our ego? These are all great questions, and I believe that inquiring about who or what is this thing called self is key to reducing our suffering and finding freedom.

When I first created my three-component model of self-compassion, which includes mindfulness, kindness, and common humanity, I wanted to call the common humanity component “Interbeing,” which was Thich Nhat Hahn’s term for the fact that we are fundamentally interconnected and that there is no individual self separable from the larger whole. I chose to use the term common humanity because it was more relatable, but it really points to something deeper than that. While there’s no need to be too conceptual about it, I do think it’s helpful to think of the “Self” that’s giving compassion as bigger than the “self” that’s suffering and receiving compassion. You can think of “Self” as your higher self, your spiritual self, universal consciousness, awake awareness, or even God if that resonates with you. If you’re scientifically minded, you can think of it as our evolved mammalian care-giving system. The small “self” that’s receiving compassion suffers in part due to the illusion that we’re separate from others, isolated, limited and disconnected. When we give ourselves compassion, what’s happening is we’re switching our identity from the limited self to the larger and unlimited Self whose capacity for compassion is infinite.

Some people feel they can’t give themselves compassion, that they’re too hurt, or they’re unworthy. But if we reframe self-compassion as tapping into something that’s much greater than our small self, allowing our inner thoughts, feelings and perceptions to be held by the loving awareness of Self, then who is it that “can’t” do it?

I have explored these questions in a workkshop I co-teach with my good friend Caverly Morgan. Caverly is author of The Heart of Who We Are, which dives deeply into understanding our true nature as non-separate Being. We love to explore the question of who is the “self” in self-compassion together, through discussion, direct experience, and meditation.

I hope you can explore Caverly’s work or join us on our future retreats, but even if you can’t, I’m including an 18-minute guided visualization this month called “Compassionate Friend.” It creates a mental image and metaphor for the Self who is giving us compassion. It can be an interesting first step in the process of Self-inquiry that is the ultimate destination of self-compassion practice.