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One of the most interesting things about the human mind is that we’re only consciously aware of a small portion of its activity at any given moment. Countless processes unfold unconsciously – we interpret information from the environment, retrieve memories, make predictions and activate behavioral responses.
If we don’t like the thoughts or emotions or impulses that subsequently arise into our conscious awareness, we tend to judge ourselves. “I shouldn’t feel this way!” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why did I do something so stupid!” “Why can’t I get over this?” “Why can’t I get it right?” “I’m too negative!” “I’m too anxious!” “I’m too angry!” “I’m not enough!” “I’m too much!”
The truth is that we don’t directly command most of our thoughts, emotions, and reactions. They are shaped by innumerable causes and conditions outside of our control: body sensations like hunger or nervous system activation; what we see in the news, the stressors in our lives, the other people we’re contact with; our family history, memories of past hurts and traumas, our culture, or how our culture treats us. We typically don’t consider these conditions as “me,” and yet we think of their results as “me.”
The good news is we don’t have to take it all so personally, and self-compassion helps us do exactly that.
Instead of being identified with our thoughts, emotions or reactions, we learn to hold them in mindful awareness. Instead of feeling isolated by our mistakes and perceived failures, we remember that they arise as part of the shared human experience and are connected to a web of causes and conditions much larger than ourselves. Instead of judging and blaming ourselves for not being good enough, we respond with understanding, kindness and care.
When we recognize the many influences that shape our experience, compassion naturally follows. Understanding replaces blame. Curiosity replaces shame.
This doesn’t mean we aren’t responsible for our actions. We aren’t zombies and we do have the ability to refrain from acting out harmful impulses, to learn new ways of thinking, to heal our emotional wounds. It does mean, however, that we can stop judging ourselves so relentlessly for things that aren’t our fault.
One of my favorite self-compassion practices is Compassionate Letter Writing. In this exercise, you imagine a wise and loving friend who understands your life completely—not only your strengths and weaknesses, but also the countless factors that have shaped you into the person you are today. This compassionate friend understands that your struggles did not arise in a vacuum. They see your humanity clearly and respond with kindness rather than judgment.
When we learn to view ourselves through this compassionate lens, something begins to shift. We understand that we are not separate from the larger whole, we are part of it. We can stop taking things so personally, and start relating to our messy, imperfect experience with compassion.
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