People often ask me – “why is it so much harder to be compassionate to myself than to others?” The answer is simple, because we’re physiologically wired this way. When we perceive a threat, even an emotional one like failure or rejection, our sympathetic nervous system activates the classic fight, flight, or freeze response. Our cortisol levels increase. Our body reacts as if we’re in danger, even though the “enemy” might be our own imperfect humanity.
So we instinctually fight ourselves with harsh criticism, hoping it will somehow help us be alert and make the changes needed to avoid harm. We flee into shame, assuming it will shield us from the judgment of others. We freeze and ruminate, believing that if we think about the problem long enough, we’ll solve it. This is why attacking ourselves can feel so automatic: on a physiological level, our bodies are trying to protect us and keep us safe — just not in a very helpful way.
When others make a mistake or confront problems, however, we aren’t so personally threatened. This means that a different safety mechanism can kick in – the care system. Evolution wired us to help family and in-group members through the tend and befriend response, because the survival of close others helps us (and our genes) to survive. When we feel care and connection, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated and our bodies start to calm down.
This is where self-compassion becomes powerful. We can learn to respond to ourselves with care rather than threat, even if it’s not instinctual. Research shows that when we befriend ourselves with self-compassion, our cortisol levels decrease and our heart-rate variability and coherence increases, markers of calm and emotional resilience.
Studies also show that an effective way to “hack” into this soothing state is by using practices that signal safety to the body such as supportive touch. Placing a hand over your heart, holding your own hand, or gently cupping your face instinctually activates pathways associated the care system. Even if your mind can’t go there, your body can.
The more we practice these small moments of physical safety, the easier it becomes for the body to settle, soften, and shift out of threat mode. One study out of UC Berkeley found that just 20 seconds a day of supportive touch, done every day for a month, is enough to significantly increase the habit of self-compassion.
Our biology may default to self-criticism under stress, but we can train the body and mind to meet difficulty with care. These simple, tiny acts can shift your entire nervous system. And with practice, they can change your entire life.
