The Paradox of Self-Compassion

There’s a paradox that lies at the heart of self-compassion practice:

We give ourselves compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad.

This might make you scratch your head a bit (that’s what paradoxes do), but it’s an important principle to understand in order for self-compassion to be effective.

When we are kind and supportive to ourselves in a moment of suffering, if we use self-compassion as a way to sugar coat or resist the reality of pain in the moment, it will backfire. As we know, what we resist, persists and grows stronger.

We must accept the reality that right now – in this moment – it hurts.  It is by opening to this truth with warmth and support that we eventually start to heal.

It’s like a mother whose young son has the 48-hour flu. She soothes and comforts her sick child not to drive the flu out (it’s going to take its own time to pass), but simply to lessen his distress.

Of course, she will do what she can to help his illness pass more quickly (giving lots of liquids, rest, and medicine if needed) – but she must accept the fact that her son has the flu.

It’s the same with our own pain, whether it’s caused by physical illness or simply the emotional challenges of being a flawed human being living an imperfect life.

We must be kind to ourselves not as a manipulation strategy to deny reality (which will only make things worse), but as a way to support ourselves through it.

I like to say that the only way out is through. It’s by opening to our pain with a tender heart, while also taking fierce action to help as best we can, that we can most effectively navigate the ups and downs of life.