Drawing Boundaries

Do you find yourself saying yes to requests automatically, even when you don’t want to?  Do you worry excessively about hurting others feelings or being disliked if you say no? Many of us have trouble drawing clear boundaries, especially if we assume that being “nice” means being accommodating.

In order to be truly self-compassionate, it’s imperative that we learn to draw clear, healthy boundaries. This doesn’t mean it’s “my way or the highway,” or that we don’t consider the needs and wants of others, but it does mean that our own wellbeing is given the weight and importance it’s due.

This skill involves fierce self-compassion and can be especially challenging for women, which is partly why I wrote my new book Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive.

In order to draw healthy boundaries, we need to stop simply going along with whatever the people our lives are doing – a partner who is inconsiderate, a colleague who says something offensive, a friend who make excessive demands on our time, for instance – and firmly assert that this behavior isn’t acceptable to us.

It means that when others ask for our help or assistance, we pause to truly consider…

•   Is this something I want to do?  
•   Do I feel comfortable with this?
•   Will this cause me undue stress?
•   Do I need more space or time for myself?

In order to draw effective boundaries, we need to call upon fierce momma bear self-compassion – brave, empowered clarity – to deliver that no in a way that’s firm but kind.

We also need to draw upon tender self-compassion – loving, connected presence – to give ourselves warmth and acceptance for the fear that we may not be liked, or culturally conditioned feelings of shame for being selfish.

Drawing boundaries is tricky business, and sometimes it’s not appropriate to say no.  Or else it may not be safe to do so.  I’m not going to pretend that this is easy work. 

What’s important to understand is that drawing boundaries is an essential part of being kind to ourselves, and that even if we can’t draw the boundary we want, we are worthy of having our needs met.