The Power of Self-Appreciation

Think about what happens when you get some sort of written evaluation and there are nine positive comments and one negative one.  Which do you focus on?  As Rick Hanson likes to say, the mind is like Teflon for positive information and Velcro for negative information.

The brain has a strong negativity bias, meaning we pay much more attention to what wrong with us rather than what’s right.  This is because the brain evolved for survival and is hyper alert to dangers that need to be addressed.  We take for granted those things that we’re doing well because we don’t need to do anything to fix them, and instead focus on areas of needed improvement. While it’s understandable why we do this, it means our view of ourselves is very distorted.

But we do more than simply ignore our positive qualities, we feel uncomfortable even acknowledging them. We’re afraid doing so will mean we’re vain and narcissistic.  Or that by recognizing our strengths we’re somehow putting ourselves above others – and it’s lonely at the top.

This is why we need to practice self-appreciation.  This is the term I use when applying the three components of self-compassion – mindfulness, common humanity and kindness – to our good qualities.  We mindfully acknowledge our strengths, we remember that they are part of being human, and we kindly express our appreciation for them.

The common humanity piece of self-appreciation is especially important.  It helps make the practice of self-appreciation more comfortable when we don’t take our good qualities so personally.  In other words, we remember that we developed our strengths with a lot of help.  We can expand our circle of appreciation to include those who facilitated our growth – parents, friends, family, ancestors, teachers, authors, cultural traditions and so on.  This helps the practice of self-appreciation feel less isolating and more connected.

Here’s a simple self-appreciation exercise: Think of a strength or positive quality you often display. Maybe you’re funny, kind, thoughtful, smart, hard-working, caring, generous, stable or some other quality. Write down what this quality is, and also write some words of appreciation for having this quality.  If you can’t think of what to say, you might imagine what you would say to a friend who had a similar quality.

Now read your words and see if you can really take them in.  It may feel embarrassing, or you may immediately think “I’m not always this way.”  Remember you’re not saying you’re perfect or that you’re better than others, you’re simply acknowledging this good quality that is part of who you are.

Next, make a list of anyone who may have helped you develop this quality – not only people but perhaps books, films, art, culture, or experiences. Remember that when you appreciate yourself, you are also appreciating all the complex causes and conditions of life that helped you become who you are today. Let your gratitude flow toward yourself and others simultaneously.

I hope you enjoy the practice of self-appreciation. It’s an essential part of self-compassion.