Self-Compassion and Gender

March is women’s history month, calling attention to the ways that gender shapes our lives.

Whether we’re cis-gender or transgender, being a woman brings with it a whole host of stereotypes that can constrict us.

As part of understanding our history, it’s important to see clearly how gender bias colors our perceptions of others and ourselves. Although the last 30 years have seen significant gains for women in terms of education and access to leadership positions, stereotypes have barely budged.

Men are seen as agentic – fierce, powerful, strong, competent, action-oriented – and women are seen as communal – tender, caring, gentle, understanding, and accepting. Women who break the mold and are high achievers, go-getters, or (God forbid) get angry are disliked because they’re seen as not nurturing enough. Research shows that women hold these unconscious biases just as strongly as men.

Although gender stereotypes harm men and women alike, they especially harm women because they reinforce patriarchy and sexism. For this reason, it’s important for women to try to free ourselves from their oppressive grip. Self-compassion is just what we need to do this.

Compassion is concerned with alleviating suffering and can take the form of tender acceptance or fierce action. Gender role socialization demands that women are tender but not fierce and the opposite is true for men.

As women, we need fierce compassion to speak up, voice our opinions, disrupt the status quo and make change. We also need tender compassion to comfort, care for and accept ourselves even when others disapprove of our fierceness (which they will).

One of the most pervasive findings of the research literature is that self-compassion leads to authenticity because when we aren’t dependent on the approval of others for our self-worth, we are free to express our true selves. A key part of authenticity involves honoring our fierce and tender sides and getting them into balance.

I like to use the metaphor of yin and yang to represent the balance between tender and fierce self-compassion. Yin is the soft energy of acceptance and yang is the powerful energy of action.

I’ve created a 13-minute breath meditation where we work with the energies of yin and yang to create balance. I hope this meditation helps you find balance within no matter what your gender identity is so that you can be your true, full, complete, authentic self.