This meditation helps you balance the yin and yang energy of tender and fierce self-compassion.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the years is that self-compassion can take very different forms. Sometimes it shows up as tender acceptance—a soft energy that accepts and allows. Other times it spurs fierce action—a powerful energy that sets boundaries, protects what matters, and motivates change. Both energies are expressions of compassion and correspond to the yin and yang principles discussed in Chinese philosophy. And as the wisdom of that tradition emphasizes, balancing yin and yang is needed for a healthy, fulfilling life.
When I reflect on my own patterns, I notice that my yin and yang shifts depending on the situation and aren’t always in balance. In professional contexts, I tend to be bold and fierce. This helps me accomplish important goals, but sometimes I lose touch with softness and receptivity and am not as sensitive as I would like. (I lovingly call this my “bulldog” pattern). In my interpersonal relationships, however, I tend to embody more tender yin energy. I listen, understand, and nurture, which creates intimacy and connection, but I can be too accommodating and overlook my own needs. (I lovingly call this my “pretzel” pattern).
Many factors feed into this lack of balance – gender role socialization, personal history, and habit. But such unevenness can create problems. Overreliance on yang can lead to disconnection and an exhausting type of striving (bulldog), while too much yin may slide into passivity or self-neglect (pretzel). Self-compassion not only helps us to notice our imbalances but to actively cultivate and integrate each energy. By doing so, we become more whole and complete.
One way to achieve balance is to tenderly accept our intrinsic worth as human beings and any difficult emotions arising in the moment, while also taking fierce action to change behaviors or situational factors. This creates a type of caring force that’s actually more effective.
For instance, when my 23-year-old son Rowan got into my 84-year-old mother’s secret drawer of goodies without permission and ate all her sweets, I needed both tender and fierce compassion. First, I gently embraced the emotions that arose – disappointment, frustration, sadness and helplessness. I also turned this tender acceptance toward my son, who is autistic and knows better but still has difficulty with impulse control, and toward my mother who felt violated by the intrusion. Then, even though this was harder for me, I called on fierce self-compassion to draw a clear boundary with my son and emphasize that he can’t take other people’s things without their permission. This helped soften my words so he could hear them without feeling shamed.
A simple practice that can help balance the energies of tender and fierce self-compassion is called Breathing Yin and Yang. In this practice, you imagine fierceness energizing your body as you breathe in, then imagine tenderness relaxing your body as you breathe out. It’s a somatic rather than conceptual way to find balance and can help the next time you find yourself in your own version of a “my son ate all my mother’s goodies” situation.
It might also help to try to notice your own patterns. Where do you tend to emphasize yin over yang, or yang over yin? What might it feel like to intentionally call on and integrate the opposite energy so your compassion can be more whole and complete? We’ll all continue to stumble and get out of balance, but that’s okay. Self-compassion isn’t a destination; it’s a way of walking the path.
